Day 8 - freedom from insult and abuse

Starting to feel a bit better, was able to juice without a lot of pain. My aunt came over to admire the new paint job on the house, bright green.

By afternoon I started working on getting all of my documents together for the unemployment office. I needed a statement from Dan concerning the divorce, what all had been taken care of, what documents and proceeding we were still waiting on. He told me he knew nothing and hadn't talked to the lawyer. I'd been trying to get a hold of the lawyer for quite some time, left messages, asked her to call me back, but with no success. I used to have her cell number but when I left for Germany and left my cell phone with Dan, I lost contacts and had to look up the lawyer's office number online. So I asked Dan to give me her cell number again since I needed to know the answer to one simple question before my hearing tomorrow.

Dan refused. "i don't want to risk the friendship i have with her by having you phone terrorising her. so no, no cell #. you will just have to deal with me" he wrote as well as a few other offensive things. I asked him to be civil and stay factual as we had agreed. He said he wouldn't give me the number and signed off.

My mom came in at that precise moment and read some of the offensive stuff Dan had written. She was outraged and told my dad. My dad called Dan and left a polite but firm message saying that we needed Dan's cooperation and if he wouldn't help us understand how the divorce was proceeding we would end up having to hiring a lawyer which would make things difficult for him.

Never in my life have I been insulted as I did in Dan's reply:

what the fuck is your problem?
17:39

your dad just left a thretening message on my phone
17:39

i told you i would get you the stuff you need
17:40

i told you that i wouldn't give you the personal number of a friend, you have the office number and if she doesn't get back to you that is between you and her
17:41

i don't want to hear from your fucking dad ever again!
17:41

this is between you and me and i am doing my fucking best here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17:42

beleave me there is nothing i want more than to end this whole fucking mess and be ride of you for good!!!!!!
17:42

i have one day off a week, and i'm trying my best and if that is not good enough for you or you r fucking daddy, than that is just something you will have to deal with.
17:43

i have already told you i am going to get you everything, so just stop your fucking whining and tell your precious daddy to lay the fuck off!
17:45

SO FUCK YOU, I'M DOING MY BEST, AN IF YOU HAVE ANY SINCE OF COMPATION YOU WOULD SEE THAT. BUT NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING YOUR WAY, AS ALWAYS! BELEIVE ME, I AM TRYING JUST SO I CAN BE DONE WITH YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17:46

why don't you try and tell daddy the whole truth
17:50

i sware annika, if he gets a layer i will spend every last penny i have to fight him. an if i still loose i would rather go to jail! so if you want to ruen my life more than you already have, try telling him that i already told you i would be getting you everything you need. i havnt heard from susan eather. i emaled her this morning, and i don't see her on sundays anymore. try telling daddy that it's the personal cell number of a friend that i wont give you. there is nothing ilegal about that.
17:52

this is why i divorced you, every reason you are giving me right now. i can't fucking believe daddy thretend me, he actually thretend me. me who has already agreed to give you everything you need within my power. try and tell him that! try and tell him the WHOLE truth. youfucking bitch!



Never before have I had such vulgarity hurled at me. I don't even know what the "WHOLE truth" is supposed to be. Dan believes that I was abusive towards him by wanting to talk about differences in opinions. It wasn't fighting he complained about, it was me asking him why he held to a certain opinion if mine differed from his, wanting to find out if one of us knew something the other didn't. He always felt threatened, like he would loose himself if we disagreed, wanted his wife to be perfectly harmonious and as much like him as possible. "If only I could, I would marry myself" he'd always say, and "I think more people should be like me".

I think it was my not being enough like him that made him feel to threatened, so hurt, so attacked. He couldn't stand being in a relationship with someone who was independent and different than him, a relationship in which each partner challenged the other. He experienced my being different and not trying to sweep our differences under a rug "abusive" behavior. If that is indeed the "WHOLE truth" I need to be telling, I have already done so.

I believe it is fitting that this episode took place during my juice feast. It is another step towards openness, towards the truth. As I am cleansing my body, I am also cleansing my mind and my heart. He has never expressed his low opinion of me so clearly as he did today, although he had communicated it frequently enough. Now it is my turn to take this as an opportunity towards growth and freedom. I am no longer subject to insults on a regular basis, I am no longer dependent on a partner who holds such a low view of myself.

I am cleansing myself from toxins in my body but also from toxins in my mind that have been planted by the many insults I have listened to throughout the years. They were almost always behind closed doors, they were sly and cunningly disguised and I didn't even always understand why they made me feel to worthless, so ugly, so dirty. Now I do, and I am choosing freedom from them.