anniversary in paradise

it has been a long time since I have written but this weekend I am celebrating my anniversary in paradise. It's been a year since I took a leap of faith into the great unknown and moved to California to start my life over. The first weeks of living in California went by in a state of constant excitement, I felt like had moved to Pandora (see my blog posts from that time). And although I love living in California more and more as time goes by, I went through some pretty hard times during my first year.

My dream job turned out to be more of a nightmare, I got paid so little that I could not afford rent, moved into a van (Vandora), lost my job and found myself living in a van with no income, no savings, and no work prospects. Those were dark times in which I struggled with depression, despair, confusion, and anxiety. Thankfully my wonderful new friend Mead stood by my side, bought me food, and even moved into my van as a protector and cherished friend.

Everyone asked us if we were a couple and we insisted that we were not. We were not romantically or sexually involved and our friendship was not based on attraction but a deep emotional connection. He spent most of his life in a christian cult and had gotten divorced after a very long marriage. In May Mead and I admitted to ourselves that our connection was so deep that we were more than "just friends." In June we both found new work and in July we had enough funds to rent a room together.

Our connection grew stronger and stronger until we finally admitted that we were in a relationship. However, we had had conversations about relationship choices before and we both decided that we wanted to be in an open relationship, we would try being polyamorous. This was a new path for both of us, one I had been thinking about ever since I met my polyamorous cuddle partner in Germany. As soon as we admitted that we were partners, we went to a potluck for polyamory together.

We were both nervous and intimidated. I ended up sitting next to a tall Australian guy who has been polyamorous for 15 years. I thought he was rather scary, especially after he asked me to join him and a few others in a hot tub. They were all going to be naked! Of course I didn't join, but Mead and I went home full of new impressions and ideas. I saw the scary Australian and his girlfriend a little while later at a festival. Throughout the summer he emailed me and in late summer Mead more or less talked me into going on a date with him. He has been my boyfriend ever since.

The excitement of falling in love and discovering what a healthy relationship is really like has been overshadowed somewhat by increasing health problems. I had known there was something wrong with me even before I left Germany, but this winter I finally got a diagnosis: heavy metal poisoning with high levels of mercury and almost off-the-chart levels of lead. My doctor said it was common for people with such high levels of metals to develop severe health problems including schizophrenia.

Thankfully my symptoms are much less severe and consist mostly of fatigue, low energy, muscle weakness, irritability, depression, and occasional short spurts of anxiety. Many days I wake up feeling like I have just gotten over a dreadful bout of the flu. I have been taking supplements to compensate for the lack of nutrient absorption due to the toxins as well as substances that chelate the metals out of my system. It can be a long healing journey, but I am thankful to have a diagnosis and to be on the right track (and to have escaped schizophrenia!).

My partner Mead and my boyfriend Mik have been wonderfully supportive. As I am writing this, I am celebrating my anniversary of moving to California. I have not regretted my choice even once, not when I lost my home, not when I lost my work, not when I felt weak and depressed, not ever. Mik and I and a bunch of friends and partners went on a relaxing romantic get-away in the Sierra Nevada mountains at a hot spring retreat. I am sitting in front of a quietly flickering fire in a log cabin while my friends are playing scrabble and plucking an acoustic guitar. A cat is stretched out in front of the fire place, purring contently. Last night we watched a red moon rise over the valley and later illuminate the sky while we were swimming in a hot sulfury pool.

I left the pool to sit in a temple dome with a small hot spring pool with a sandy bottom, flickering candles, and spiritual art. I thought I'd go in to meditate, but I found myself praying the same prayer over and over again: Thank you, thank you, thank you, oh God, thank you so much, thank you!
I remember the days when I surfed the web, reading about people living this kind of life, wondering if it was real, if people could really live so deeply, authentically, emotionally, eccentrically, blissfully.

Today I am right where I want to be. I am living the life of my wildest dreams, the life of a different reality. I still feel the underlying weakness of the toxins, I still feel the suffocating cover of depression trying to rob me off joy, trying to darken the light. It is a constant unwanted companion, but there is something new in my life that I have not known for years: a peace that transcends all understanding, a joy that is seated deep within my soul. Sometimes I want to shake my friends and try to imbue them with the sense of wonder I feel: "do you have any idea how AMAZING this life we are living is? Do you really appreciate it?" Buy then I see the glow in their eyes and I hear their sighs of content and I know that their life is also marked by gratitude, driven by passion.

The sun is setting, the sky is fading from blue into pink, the last rays of sun are reflecting off the crusty snow. A few friends have nodded off, the fire has died down, and the woodsmoke and soft guitar playing make me sleepy. The muscles in my legs are starting to remind me of my afternoon hike, jumping over a creek, running barefoot in the snow, and running and sliding over frozen patches of snow, over and over again, giggling like a child. It is time to shut down the computer, grab a towel, and go back to hot spring soaking. Maybe we'll float all night and watch the sun go up together. Or maybe we'll go back to our cozy country style hotel and cuddle together and talk about our views of God, the meaning of life, the many, many facets of love. Or maybe we'll come back to the fire place and crack each other up with our ideas of inventing cowboy saddles for silicon valley "cowgeeks" with built-in GPS and wireless connections as well as an automatic chocolate dispenser and a pee funnel that allows one to stay on their horse for hours without having to use a restroom.

And then tomorrow we return to the bay area, we'll watch the fog roll over the bay, we'll eat our lunches in the sun, we'll watch the first trees sprout spring blossoms. Although our retreat will be over, we will still live in the most beautiful place in the country, the redwoods, the bay, the ocean, the hills. And there will be too many wonderful parties, workshops, and outings to choose from every single weekend. And I will fall asleep feeling loved and wake up feeling grateful - because for the first time in my life, I am truly home.