After 12 hours of sleep I woke up tired but content, again. I remember having very positive lively dreams. In one I was at my German grandparents' old house attending a seminar on vedic mythology and feeling in love with life and in tune with myself. Random but very pleasant.
I somewhat dragged through the day, feeling tired and even a little dizzy. I made sure to get enough calories today and mixed some carrot juice with hearty spices and coconut oil to create something like a soup. I think my body was holding a lot of waste still which was making me feel slouchy.
I've been amazed that my bowels have been working ceaselessly as if I was still eating solid foods. By afternoon they shifted gear and I started running to the bathroom every few minutes with near liquid diarrhea. Yuck. But once the process started I began feeling better, like the cleansing was really kicking in now, with each of the trips to the bathroom I started feeling cleaner.
I am excited to see where the next stage of cleansing will take me.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Day 3 - energy collapse
I woke up content. I haven't had that experience in quite some time. My kitty was curled up snuggled against my chest and as soon as she saw me open my eyes she started purring. Ahhhhh.... so sweet.
My day consisted of the familiar roller coaster, feeling connected and loved and happy for 20 Minutes and then feeling depressed, anxious, sad. I am used to emotional roller coasters, what is surprising to me, however, is incredible speed in which the changes take place. Feeling good, feeling sad, feeling exciting, feeling depressed, feeling confident, feeling anxious... Knowing how short each interval is makes it so much easier to tolerate the down periods. Depression is no longer connected to despair. I had experienced depression and despair as eternally married to each other before, but I guess they, too, ended up in a divorce around the same time I did. Sharing the company of my fellow divorcee depression isn't half as bad as when we'd hang while we were both still married.
The cleaning inside of my body spilled outward today, not only in the bathroom - I will spare you the details - but also in my plans for the day. I was going to work on my writing, but after I took the last vegetable out of the crisper drawer in the fridge I couldn't help but clean the drawer, which lead to me cleaning the fridge and a couple of cabinets in the kitchen.
By afternoon I got another alkaline boost after drinking a lot of green juices. My brother became a very embarrassed witness of my high episode when I expressed my joy by dancing to his guitar playing. He is so cute when he blushes and feels awkward, I know it's a mean big sister thing to do, but I just can't help but act embarrassingly when we are out and about together, just to see him blush.
In the evening I went over to my aunt's to play Scrabble together and watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. On the drive I listened to a fellow Ren Faire band, Empty Hats and realized as I was singing along and thinking of Carl, and Lynda, and Vicki and all the other Rennies I started to realize that music and the traveling scene was still a part of me. I had identified music and performance so much with the troubles in my unhappy relationship and circumstances that I had come to believe I was a totally different person and would never want anything to do with that sort of life.
I know that is not the case. As much as I am both German and American and could never exclude one or the other from my identity, I am both a gypsy and homebody, a traveler and a homesteader, a musician and a writer, a performer and an academic. In needing to find my identity separate from my ex-husband, I projected all of the former unto him and identified only with latter, but I know that my identity is so much greater than that, great enough to encompass any number of paradoxes.
I was quite enjoying my musings of self-discovery that evening. My aunt and I had a lovely evening together and I felt content, until half way through our game of Scrabble my energy slumped rather suddenly. I felt like my energy body had just keeled over and turned itself upside down, like someone had pulled a plug on one of my meridians. I drank more juice, breathed deeply, tried a few other tricks to invigorate myself, but nothing worked.
I collapsed into bed at 10:30pm and slept deeply for a little over 12 hours.
My day consisted of the familiar roller coaster, feeling connected and loved and happy for 20 Minutes and then feeling depressed, anxious, sad. I am used to emotional roller coasters, what is surprising to me, however, is incredible speed in which the changes take place. Feeling good, feeling sad, feeling exciting, feeling depressed, feeling confident, feeling anxious... Knowing how short each interval is makes it so much easier to tolerate the down periods. Depression is no longer connected to despair. I had experienced depression and despair as eternally married to each other before, but I guess they, too, ended up in a divorce around the same time I did. Sharing the company of my fellow divorcee depression isn't half as bad as when we'd hang while we were both still married.
The cleaning inside of my body spilled outward today, not only in the bathroom - I will spare you the details - but also in my plans for the day. I was going to work on my writing, but after I took the last vegetable out of the crisper drawer in the fridge I couldn't help but clean the drawer, which lead to me cleaning the fridge and a couple of cabinets in the kitchen.
By afternoon I got another alkaline boost after drinking a lot of green juices. My brother became a very embarrassed witness of my high episode when I expressed my joy by dancing to his guitar playing. He is so cute when he blushes and feels awkward, I know it's a mean big sister thing to do, but I just can't help but act embarrassingly when we are out and about together, just to see him blush.
In the evening I went over to my aunt's to play Scrabble together and watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. On the drive I listened to a fellow Ren Faire band, Empty Hats and realized as I was singing along and thinking of Carl, and Lynda, and Vicki and all the other Rennies I started to realize that music and the traveling scene was still a part of me. I had identified music and performance so much with the troubles in my unhappy relationship and circumstances that I had come to believe I was a totally different person and would never want anything to do with that sort of life.
I know that is not the case. As much as I am both German and American and could never exclude one or the other from my identity, I am both a gypsy and homebody, a traveler and a homesteader, a musician and a writer, a performer and an academic. In needing to find my identity separate from my ex-husband, I projected all of the former unto him and identified only with latter, but I know that my identity is so much greater than that, great enough to encompass any number of paradoxes.
I was quite enjoying my musings of self-discovery that evening. My aunt and I had a lovely evening together and I felt content, until half way through our game of Scrabble my energy slumped rather suddenly. I felt like my energy body had just keeled over and turned itself upside down, like someone had pulled a plug on one of my meridians. I drank more juice, breathed deeply, tried a few other tricks to invigorate myself, but nothing worked.
I collapsed into bed at 10:30pm and slept deeply for a little over 12 hours.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 2 - depression and joy
Ah, the dreaded day 2 where the high wears off, the novelty is gone, and the cravings kick in.
I fell asleep so happy and peacefully only to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about a dentist appointment I have in 3 weeks, panicking about what kind of work the dentist will do, panicking about pain to come, about the future, life in general. I had a hard time going back to sleep, my mind recirculating one negative fearful thought after another.
I woke up exhausted and depressed. The last thing I wanted to do that morning was get up and drink juice. Yuck, juice! I stayed in bed till 10 and read a book, finally got up, took a shower, and starting drinking a green juice with absolutely no motivation.
The afternoon turned out very frustrating, I tried to find out what the German word for "enema" was and where to find one, listened to a friend of the family explain that enemas are totally unnecessary nonsense except for really sick people, smelled my mom saute a delicious mushrooms and pasta dish and felt very misunderstood and oh so alone.
By evening I felt like I had accomplished nothing that day. I surfed the web for hours, trying to find some place in Germany that sells the supplements I was looking for, but mostly without success, tried to find other Germans on juice feasting networks, also with no success. I felt very frustrated and depressed and lonely.
Later in the evening the feeling started to lift. All along the dark emotions felt much more detached and pure than normally, like they were just emotions, not problems or disasters in my life. There was a sense of connection to outside events, but I saw the event and the emotions as separate entities, knowing that both would pass. It was an empowering experience.
Talking to my wonderful friend Monique helped so much. She understands so much, she has lived in Germany, she has struggled with eating a vegan and healthy diet in Germany, she knows what it is like to have been in a traumatic relationship, etc, etc. And she knows what it is like to miss Portland. Ahhh, balm for my soul.
I drove to Frankfurt to a meeting of consciousness-minded people, the same one I went to a month ago. I noticed a major difference, I approached driving to Frankfurt by myself at night in the rain with so much more confidence than last time. I even dared to drive into the city rather than park outside and parallel parked in a small spot, a major accomplishment for me.
I felt high energy in the room, enjoyed being with the group, exchanging massages, thoughts, and playing bonding games, like allowing ourselves to fall while others were catching us. It was all very consciousness building. And all along I felt so proud of myself for doing this juice feast.
Since last week when I started preparing for the feast I have been liking myself a whole lot more. I am seeing how much strength I really have, more than I thought, and I can see the goal so much more clearly now.
The meeting went long, it is past midnight, I am tired but satisfied, feeling loved and beautiful and confident and connected to the universe.
I fell asleep so happy and peacefully only to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about a dentist appointment I have in 3 weeks, panicking about what kind of work the dentist will do, panicking about pain to come, about the future, life in general. I had a hard time going back to sleep, my mind recirculating one negative fearful thought after another.
I woke up exhausted and depressed. The last thing I wanted to do that morning was get up and drink juice. Yuck, juice! I stayed in bed till 10 and read a book, finally got up, took a shower, and starting drinking a green juice with absolutely no motivation.
The afternoon turned out very frustrating, I tried to find out what the German word for "enema" was and where to find one, listened to a friend of the family explain that enemas are totally unnecessary nonsense except for really sick people, smelled my mom saute a delicious mushrooms and pasta dish and felt very misunderstood and oh so alone.
By evening I felt like I had accomplished nothing that day. I surfed the web for hours, trying to find some place in Germany that sells the supplements I was looking for, but mostly without success, tried to find other Germans on juice feasting networks, also with no success. I felt very frustrated and depressed and lonely.
Later in the evening the feeling started to lift. All along the dark emotions felt much more detached and pure than normally, like they were just emotions, not problems or disasters in my life. There was a sense of connection to outside events, but I saw the event and the emotions as separate entities, knowing that both would pass. It was an empowering experience.
Talking to my wonderful friend Monique helped so much. She understands so much, she has lived in Germany, she has struggled with eating a vegan and healthy diet in Germany, she knows what it is like to have been in a traumatic relationship, etc, etc. And she knows what it is like to miss Portland. Ahhh, balm for my soul.
I drove to Frankfurt to a meeting of consciousness-minded people, the same one I went to a month ago. I noticed a major difference, I approached driving to Frankfurt by myself at night in the rain with so much more confidence than last time. I even dared to drive into the city rather than park outside and parallel parked in a small spot, a major accomplishment for me.
I felt high energy in the room, enjoyed being with the group, exchanging massages, thoughts, and playing bonding games, like allowing ourselves to fall while others were catching us. It was all very consciousness building. And all along I felt so proud of myself for doing this juice feast.
Since last week when I started preparing for the feast I have been liking myself a whole lot more. I am seeing how much strength I really have, more than I thought, and I can see the goal so much more clearly now.
The meeting went long, it is past midnight, I am tired but satisfied, feeling loved and beautiful and confident and connected to the universe.
Day 1 - high as a kite
I have ventured out on my first extended juice feast. This is going to be the longest fasting experience I have ever had, from ash wednesday till easter, 46 days. I am following the 92 juice feast protocol I learned about through Angela Stokes.
www.rawreform.com
Day 1, yesterday, was quite an experience. The first half of the day I felt hungry and cold, tired, grumpy. I drank mostly vegetable juices at first. In the evening I drank more green juice and then some fresh pineapple juice. I guess the combination of greens and fruit sugar kicked in soon afterwards. I became high. I was on my way to yoga when my friend Kate called and I just felt so amazingly great, happy. I giggled into the phone a lot, cracked one stupid joke after another.
During yoga I had to fight back giggle fits. My stomach started growling half way into the session, no wonder, I didn't drink much shortly before since I didn't want to have to pee in the middle of yoga. I did last week and the instructor glared at me even though I snuck out very discreetly. My strategy worked and I felt great moving my body. During final meditation I just sat there and grinned like a stoned idiot.
I came home and met my brother on his way out the door. I grinned at him and he asked me: "what the hell is going on with you?" "I am high" I spurted and started laughing. "You sure look like you are, even your eyes," my brother said and I went into a hysteric laughing fit. For the next half hour I couldn't stop cracking up wherever I was, whatever I was doing without being able to point towards anything funny.
I felt zingy, vibrant and couldn't sit still, so I ran outside in the dark, up and down the street a few times, climbed up the hill, took my brother ipod, listened to Essene worship music and danced all over town. If I had been in American suburbia, I would have ended up trying to explain my insanity to a couple of police officers.
I knew this alkaline high wasn't going to last, but I enjoyed getting a foretaste of what it will be like to have an alkaline body again (or for the first time, really). I fell into bed happy, listened to a relaxation and hypnosis tape, and drifted into dreamland with a big old smile on my face.
www.rawreform.com
Day 1, yesterday, was quite an experience. The first half of the day I felt hungry and cold, tired, grumpy. I drank mostly vegetable juices at first. In the evening I drank more green juice and then some fresh pineapple juice. I guess the combination of greens and fruit sugar kicked in soon afterwards. I became high. I was on my way to yoga when my friend Kate called and I just felt so amazingly great, happy. I giggled into the phone a lot, cracked one stupid joke after another.
During yoga I had to fight back giggle fits. My stomach started growling half way into the session, no wonder, I didn't drink much shortly before since I didn't want to have to pee in the middle of yoga. I did last week and the instructor glared at me even though I snuck out very discreetly. My strategy worked and I felt great moving my body. During final meditation I just sat there and grinned like a stoned idiot.
I came home and met my brother on his way out the door. I grinned at him and he asked me: "what the hell is going on with you?" "I am high" I spurted and started laughing. "You sure look like you are, even your eyes," my brother said and I went into a hysteric laughing fit. For the next half hour I couldn't stop cracking up wherever I was, whatever I was doing without being able to point towards anything funny.
I felt zingy, vibrant and couldn't sit still, so I ran outside in the dark, up and down the street a few times, climbed up the hill, took my brother ipod, listened to Essene worship music and danced all over town. If I had been in American suburbia, I would have ended up trying to explain my insanity to a couple of police officers.
I knew this alkaline high wasn't going to last, but I enjoyed getting a foretaste of what it will be like to have an alkaline body again (or for the first time, really). I fell into bed happy, listened to a relaxation and hypnosis tape, and drifted into dreamland with a big old smile on my face.
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