Giving birth - at home

2010 came and a new era of my life began. On December 31st a number of fabulous raw foodies and friends braved the harsh winter conditions and gathered at my place. We made food, ate food, made more food, talked about food, and ate more food. Just before midnight we piled into three cars and drove out to the Green Lake where Feuerwelt was held. The Artificial Family had put out some dry firewood for us and despite the rain we found a nice dry place under a hut and made a fire.

2010 started with the most beautiful new year's celebration I have ever experienced. Instead of blasting off fireworks we held hands in a circle, sang a rainbow song, ohmed together, and prayed and meditated into the new year as a community. I played worship songs on the guitar next to the fire, we sang together, talked together, laughed together, and ate Durian and Chocolate together.

I spent my first night of 2010 snuggled between almost a dozen wonderful people and woke up to the loving touch of more than one friend. The first day of the new year was spent making more food, picking up more people from the train station, giving and receiving more love. Then came the day of the party, which was by far the most awesome party I have ever hosted. If you were there I won't spoil it by trying to squeeze our experience into words, and if you were not, I'd only make you sad if I told you what you missed.

With only a few more days to go before my trip to the US I spent a lot of time in introspection. A wonderful new friend stayed with me for almost an entire week and walked me through processing many of my new impressions and realizations. A few days before departure I got very emotional and cried a lot. I was starting to feel birthing pains, sadness at leaving beloved ones behind and anxiety at what was to come. The last couple of days before my flight was marked by conflicts and I spent a lot of energy resolving those. More birthing pains that were painful, naturally, but also very empowering.

All through my journey to California I regarded each hiccup as a birthing pain. And hiccups I did encounter. First I got to the airport way too early, so that I had to wait 2 1/2 hours before I was even allowed to go through the security check. I worked on one of my naturopathy courses but soon realized that the course I had chosen was a very short one and by the time I boarded the plane, I had finished the course and was completely out of reading materials. I was going to buy an mp3 player the night before but couldn't because the roads were iced over. Now I was on the plane with no reading materials and no music. The onboard entertainment options were dismal, the music a collection of the worst that is out there, and there was only one movie being shown that involved a lot of detailed information on how to cook meat.

Birthing pains, a painfully boring flight it was going to be. I tried sleeping, but couldn't. I read through the airline's magazine twice. Conversation with my neighbor was impossible because he was completely drunk, lolling his head back and forth, reeking like beer, mumbling "it's all shit. That's shit, too. Oh.. uhuh... shit. All shit.... uhuh.. shit, it's all shit" for hours on end. The plane didn't take off like scheduled because of some mechanical problem that caused a two hour delay.

But there were beautiful moments as well. I was trying to take it all in stride, they were but birthing pains, things not going smoothly only in the beginning on my way to a new life. The sun never set and that felt symbolically significant. It dipped low on the horizon as we were flying over Iceland, bathing glaciers into an orange glow, casting shadows over the snowy mountain peeks of Greenland, and illuminating giant ice sheets and ice bergs floating on the ocean. It rose higher again as we descended south over Canadian fjords and turquoise mountain streams. Eventually Salt Lake city appeared beneath us with crystal white surfaces and sparkling city lights just before the most magnificent sight of all that brought tears to my eyes: Bryce canyon covered in snow! My parents have a poster of Bryce Canyon in winter, orange and red rock formations topped with brilliant white snowy caps.

Las Vegas sparkled behind canyons and stunning desert colors, reflecting a warm winter sun. "Welcome home" I was told at the US customs check point. Smiles greeted me and even Arwen received a warm welcome by the agricultural control agent. So far, so smooth. I took Arwen out into the sun and soaked up temperatures in the 60s and bright sunshine. At the Las Vegas airport I treated myself to a green smoothie, very excited that it is possible to buy a green smoothie at an airport! It reminded me why I moved back to the States.

We flew over Las Vegas and I felt like I was on a tourist flight in a helicopter looking at all the fountains and the roller coaster and all the craziness of Las Vegas. As soon as we reached cruising altitude I fell asleep for about half an hour. When I woke up, both my hands were asleep since I had tucked them under and I could neither figure out where I was nor why everyone was speaking English. By the time I landed in San Francisco I was almost incoherent, which just so happened to be the online dictionary's word of the day.

Juliana picked me up at the bus stop with organic veggies and spring water. No need to explain that I don't drink tap water or would love to eat something fresh and juicy after my travel ordeals. San Rafael's freeway entrance pillars were painted blue with big sunflowers and I knew I was in the right place. It took some time to find the right apartment number and when I walked into my new home, I was shocked to find that it was extremely dirty, cigarette butts on the floor, a stale smell in the air. Birthing pains once again. I figured I might have to move again soon. Even if I cleaned the place, if the roommates are willing to live like this, I don't think we can share the same space.

I woke up in the middle of the night - stupid jet lag - and then again with the sunrise. I looked out the window through the branches of a huge magnolia tree! I can't wait to see what this place is going to look like in the spring. The sun was rising behind a mountain and casting shadows upon redwood trees and a eucalyptus tree. I was wide awake and excited!

First I did some cleaning. The apartment turned out to be much larger than I thought and really cool! If it wasn't for the filth, I'd really enjoy living here. Then I took myself for a walk to try and get a cell phone signal. I had to walk for more than half a mile and started crying along the way - because I couldn't believe how beautiful this place was. The air smelled fantastic! A perfect mixture of eucalyptus, redwoods, and a third plant I couldn't identify for quite some time: cannabis. I took one deep breath after another, I felt like the air was charged with freshness and positive energy. I was stoked to find a creek running parallel to my street and several redwood groves along the way. Half a mile down I saw a small waterfall, ate some wild dandelion and chickweed and kept thinking of Santa Cruz and just how much I was starting to love this place.

I spent my first day shopping with Juliana. We talked about raw foods, chocolate, her travels, and mine. I absolutely loved listening to someone who has been around as much and even more than I have and who has far more experienced in the world of raw foods. And I fell in love with Fairfax! The town is nestled in the hills covered by sequoias and the natural beauty of the mountains encircles the little downtown area. We went shopping at Good Earth, an awesome health food store and I stood in front of an entire isle (!) of raw foods, ogling raw breads, cookies, chips, brownies, candies, granolas, sauces, dips, etc. $100 later I was loaded down with fabulous foods and my favorite cleaning supplies, Dr. Bronner's and then some.

Then Juliana took me down to San Rafael to go thrift store shopping and I acquired a blanket, a bed sheet, a towel, and other little necessities. When we got back to the apartment I met a friend of my roommates who explained to me that the chaos in the house was due to a roommate "issue", a person who has since been kicked out. There had been some overlap and someone had already been hired to do a deep cleaning of the entire place. The more time I spent at the house, the more positive I felt that this was going to be home for a long while after all.

I went to bed at 10 pm happy to finally get a good night's sleep. But I woke up to the next birthing pain hiccup at 2 am. There was banging and drilling and shouting and barking in the house. Since I didn't know how severe the roommate "issue" had been I wasn't sure what to do. Who were all these people in the house? Were they old room mates getting their stuff or someone breaking in? I was about ready to call the girl that had come by earlier but then decided to take matters into my own hand. They were as surprised as I was, including the pit bull that was sitting in the living room. Thankfully they were friendly, apologized for waking me up, and said they'd come back the next day to move the rest of the roommate's stuff out.

I made saturday clean-up and exploration day, learned the bus system by getting on the wrong bus and enjoying a long scenic tour of Marin county. I stood in front of the home depot that was listed on google maps but had obviously been out of business for a long time, took the bus back to Fairfax and showed up at the hardware store 5 minutes after they closed. They were nice enough to open the doors again and let me buy a space heater. Probably the most painful birth pain hiccup had been the lack of a working heater in the house. I thanked the hardware store people a million and one times and danced down the road with my new heater, went back to the health food store and sat there people watching for half an hour.

Sunday I decided to make "meeting new friends" day. The roommate I have not yet met told me I could use her bike, so I bought a bike lock, fixed the broken chain, and rode off into town, rode right back to the hardware store for a third time to buy a rain jacket, and then "did" downtown Fairfax. I teared up several times while chanting my new favorite mantra: "I live here, I live here, I live here."

Downtown Fairfax is a conglomeration of just about everything I love: health food stores, coffee shops, hippy stores, thrift stores, used book stores, head shops, new age shops, redwood groves, and one smiling person after another. Not only do people smile in Fairfax, they make eye contact - purposely, consciously. I don't know how many people I ended up looking in the eyes that day, intensely, as if reading the other person and bypassing small talk by greeting each other's souls directly, through the window of the eye.

It started pouring and I was so overwhelmed with the beauty of my surroundings that I decided to ride to San Rafael and eat lunch at Cafe Gratitude. I was riding through a downpour, rain slapping me in the face, but I laughed. Maybe I needed the harsh weather conditions, as if the sky was constantly pinching me to tell me I was awake and this was real. I took the wrong turn and ended up on the other side of the mountain, having to push the bike all the way up Wolfe Grade to get back to San Rafael. I told someone later on and their eyes got wide, exclaiming that crossing over that pass was some serious workout!

By the time I finally reached Cafe Gratitude even my underwear was wet. Still, I didn't care, I felt wildely alive, having gone through another round of gratitude tears at the top of the mountain, looking down at my world. I came to the cafe with the intention of making friends and scanned the room for potential new friends. A girl on a couch immediately caught my eye and I asked if I could sit with her. I couldn't have chosen better. We connected right away, she has been a raw foodie for 11 years, used to be wealthy and successful in New York city but chose to move to the bay area, has become a Swami and lives like a monk. She is also a healer and a musician with a focus on music as worship, knows and loves Sacred Steve and Shimshai, wants to go to some secret hot springs with me and invited me to one fantastic happening after another.

She introduced me to another friend of hers who is a voice teacher and musician, also a long-term raw foodie, traveler, artist, and fascinating person to talk to. I ordered her favorite dish, raw tacos and they were without exaggeration the most beautiful and most tasty raw meal I have had to date. I wish I had had my camera, I hardly dared eating the food it was so beautiful. And it tasted like heaven. I almost started crying again. Had I died and gone to heaven?

My new friend gifted me delicious raw candy, gave me her address and left, but called 10 minutes later to let me know that she had already paid the waiter for my meal. Her friend gave me a big knowing smile, came over to hug me, and said he was looking forward to seeing me around and introducing me to the rest of the tribe. In Fairfax I talked to the owner of a little new age store and she asked me to remind Sacred Steve that she wanted to do a chocolate event with him. Then she looked me up and down and said: "or if he doesn't have the time, why don't you come and do a seminar for us?"

I went back to the health food store to buy water and food for Arwen. I knew I had to wait 45 minutes for the next bus and figured that was just the right time to make a new friend. As I looked around one girl struck me as positive and interesting and before I got a chance to talk to her she offered me a cookie and initiated conversation. She just moved to Fairfax herself and is looking for more friends.

I cried while I waited for the bus. I have never felt so at home in my life. I don't know this town, I don't know these people, but I feel like I am home, like I have been meant to be here my whole life. I am sure I will travel again, some day, but for now I just want to be here, I don't want to leave! Tomorrow I will meet Sacred Steve and find out what my life with Sacred Chocolate will look like. I am excited, I am also nervous! This is finally it, tomorrow will be the last day before I give birth to the "routine" of my new life. But for now I am overflowing with thankfulness because I love this town, I love these people, I love my life, I love finally feeling at home.