spring and I

I am still searching for work, but got pretty good news from the unemployment office. Until I have work I will have my health insurance paid for as well as getting a couple hundred Euros a month. It'll help pay for gas and all the little expenses that accrue. A much needed relief and I am excited!

Spring peeked around the corner just long enough for me to get a nice picture together. The next day it retreated again and yesterday I though there was something wrong with my eyes since every field and tree outside was white, covered in snow with huge flakes falling from the sky until noon.

equinox

I sort of dropped off the face of blogger world. I didn't really mean to but went through a rough few days. I tried my hand at a teaching job for kids which was a complete disaster. I've never been much of a kids person and my brave attempt to conquer my fear by taking over an English class of 7 ten year old boys was definitely the wrong approach. I just stood there shaking when I realized that the material I had prepared for class was old news to them and they were bored out of their mind since they already knew everything I was trying to teach. I knew exactly what I wanted to say in order to get them to stop fussing and getting unruly, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out, instead liquid tried coming out of my eyes. Complete disaster.

I came home and cried for two hours then quit the job I hadn't even officially started. The next few days I spent looking for work while feeling very depressed. The weekend brought some relief as I got to go to a spring equinox bonfire. It was like a breath of fresh air, lots of alternative open-minded folks sitting around a fire singing spiritual songs. I brought my penny whistle and tried to find a song the guitar player and I both knew, but with little success. We wrote wishes for the new season on pieces of paper, wrapped them around rosemary twigs and through them in the fire. It felt like a little island of rainbow in the midst of my mundane depression.

Day 20-22 Modification

The juice fast has been by far more intense so far than I had imagined. I realized that there are so many more psychological issues that need dealing with and it's made the fast extremely emotional for me. Spring is still taking its sweet time and the cost of juicing has become such an immense problem that it adds to my stress level.

Thus I decided this was not the right time for an extended juice fast. Fall would be a good time in Germany with plenty of organic apples littering the ground and greens still growing all over the place. I also feel like I have been detoxing too fast and because of the greatly reduced amount of calories loosing weight too quickly. I've felt weak almost the entire time and cold and overwhelmed by detox episodes. I believe I need to slow it down a notch and grant my body more leniency and time for its healing.

On day 20 I ate some grapes because I was ravenous and couldn't get any juice. The house I am living at is being renovated and there were days without water and other amenities which made this whole project extremely difficult. On day 21 I chose to eat fruit and continue the season of lent with juices and whole fruit fasting.

Today I am on day 23 and feeling pretty good about juicing and eating whole fruits. It made life so much less complicated, being able to grab a piece of fruit wherever I go rather than having to juice first. I plan to see the juice and whole fruit feast through until easter and then resume a raw food diet. It will give me just enough time to get my body used to "normal" raw foods in order to have a big raw food feast and party for my 30th birthday on May 1st.

I am hoping by fall I will have released quite a bit of emotional baggage and will be able to enjoy the bounty of autumn crops in form of another juice feast.

Day 19 - Band practice

It's been a long weekend, two long days of language seminars and then band practice right afterwards. I felt like I was reaching my limits, but I am proud for what I accomplished. I played in an Irish band tonight, played penny whistle again, even songs that I used to play with Dan. They did not trigger me at all, I actually enjoyed myself. I am starting to understand that music itself wasn't the trigger for my misery, it was playing music with Dan. I enjoyed the fact that we just played music, did not have to think about long introductions to songs, present ourselves on stage, make a big time show out of everything.

We just played the songs. It's what I always wanted but Dan was unable to do. For him the stage was a medium to present himself, to gain admiration, to interact intensely with the audience. I could never stand that, I wanted to connect primarily or even solely on a musical level, not through stories and talk, talk, talk, just through sharing the artistically arranged vibrations of sound. I even had fantasies of going to Ren Faires again, to festivals, to be back in the music scene. And that after making "I am not a musician, I am a writer" my mantra of the last year or so. I still am more of a writer than a musician, but I am happy to announce that I can comfortably be both, somewhat of a hobby musician, and a passionate writer.

Day 18 - Seminar

Oh so tired, so crampy, and so unmotivated to go to the language seminar I am signed up for this weekend. I had little spurts of energy throughout the day like when I drove to the music store to buy myself a penny whistle. I played all throughout lunch break since I didn't feel like going to lunch with everyone else and watching them eat while I drip my carrot juice. I enjoyed playing the whistle far more than I thought I would. Less than a month ago I said I'd never play music again, that it was a traumatic trigger and I hated it, and here I am spending my break playing music.

Day 17 - that time of the month

For the past 2 days I didn't consume any greens, for financial reasons. I checked outside and nothing was harvestable yet, so I figured I could go a few days without greens and then drink extra amounts of green juice once the weeds are growing. Wrong! I started my period today, out of all days it had to be right after me going off greens. Last month I experienced a first since puberty: no cramps at all. I attribute that to the wheatgrass juice and greens I was consuming regularly during that time.

No such luck this time around. I felt terrible and crampy all day, so bad I was even tempted to take pain medication. I didn't, but I definitely suffered. To add insult to misery out of all days the construction workers renovating my parent's house chose this day to turn off the main water supply without giving us any advance warning. I woke up with my period and found that there was not a drop of water to be had anywhere in the house. I managed some kind of hygiene with bottled sparkling water but fled the house to go to my aunts as soon as I had the chance.

Day 17 - Dentist

I barely slept last night. I am so scared of dentists and I had an appointment today. I looked at myself in the mirror at the dentist's and scared myself. I looked absolutely awful. My eyes were all puffy from crying yesterday and I looked like I hadn't slept in a week. My hair was a mess and I looked all around terrified.

I found out that almost all of my fillings are bad and need to be replaced. I had thought as much, the dentist I used to go to in Portland was horrible. It was the only one the insurance would cover but as a result I ended up with lots of amalgam in my mouth and shoddy dental work.

I can only hope getting those toxic fillings out of my mouth is going to help my mood, but I am SCARED.

Day 16 - triggered

I am just feeling tired and depressed today. I keep hearing things will look up, but I am not feeling it today. I had the talk about how much the juicing is costing with my mom again today and I started looking for work in the afternoon. That being a major emotional trigger I went down the panic road in my head of having no money, the depression road of being broke, of not being able to afford the things that are most important to me. And I started to experience existential anxiety even though at this point there is no reason for any kind of fear. I don't have any bills, still, I felt panicky with worry over money.

As I looked for job listings online I experienced the second emotional trigger and added depression and self-doubt to my anxiety. Not only was a riddled with panicky fear, I started thinking one negative thing after another about myself, how no one would hire my anyways, nobody wants me, I can't do anything, I am incapable, etc, etc, etc...

My mom found me crying on my bed as I melted down emotionally. I cried for a while, knowing that the thoughts were irrational but also accepting that my body is dealing with past crises through these triggers.

Day 15 - Singing to the weeds

We were out of fruit again today and my mom breached the subject of food costs. It is as I suspected. She is more than willing to pay for my food right now while I am looking for work and getting my health back in order, but since she doesn’t believe in the benefits of juice fasting, she doesn’t want to keep paying extra for the juicing ingredients. She mentioned again that I don’t look good, that she doesn’t think the fast is making me any healthier.

Her suggestion was to end the fast and start eating solid foods again. I know I still have some detoxing to do and am not ready to start eating again. I checked my weight this morning and realized that I have lost 6 pounds since I started 2 weeks ago. I know where my ideal weight lies from experience and doing the math, an average weight loss of 3 pounds a week we put me exactly at my ideal weight at the end of the fast.

I may not be able to afford buying enough juicing ingredients to meet my daily calorie needs, but I can afford to reduce my calorie intake as long as my weight loss does not exceed the current rate. Besides, I took a walk today and discovered the first dandelion leaves as well as baby stingy nettle plants. The greens are coming!

So I am shifting gears a little and switching to mostly the master cleanse lemonade. I’ll mix raw honey and stevia as sweetener to minimize sugar intake. That way I can wait for the wild greens to grow so that I will only have to pay for fruit and veggies.

Maybe I should go out there and sing to the greens. After all, houseplants grow better in the presence of classical music. I wonder if bad notes would harm the plants though? As long as bad notes don’t have the opposite effect, I think singing to the weeds is a great idea. Not to mention the entertainment value for the neighbors!

Day 14 - feast costs

I had a really hard time going to sleep last night, no idea why. I felt all weird, I think it was must from the reduced calorie fast. I made myself some orange juice in the morning and as soon as I drank a glass I felt so much better. After a second glass I felt almost cheery, motivated to get on the computer and write, to clean my room. I guess cutting calories and especially sugars is going to really tough to maintain. I am just afraid of mixing the master cleanse drink with honey or maple syrup because of the high amount of sugar. I am also dependent on whatever fruit is in the house. I have a little bit of savings left from christmas presents.

Hm, what to do? Right now I am pinning all my hopes on the greens outside growing soon, soon, soon! I am also still waiting on the unemployment office to give me a new appointment, couldn’t go to the first one because I was laid up with my back. Wavering between hope and depression today. If only there were endless supply of fruits and veggies growing here somewhere. Well, this ain’t Florida, it’s Germany in winter.

Day 13 - Garlic and depression

My family started complaining about me using too much garlic. I have been using it as a vaginal suppository against Candida, but I have also been blending and straining cloves or garlic and drinking the juice. Urgh. My tummy protested last night, too, not to mention the whole house now stinks like garlic. I am just so desperate to get rid of the Candida. It itches and drives me crazy, not to mention that depression is one of Candida's symptoms. I am tried of being tired and depressed.

Still, I have to stop the excessive garlic. Today I tried drinking only vegetables juices in order to cut the Candida's sugar supply instead. Not getting any of the calories I usually get through fruit juices left me feeling very lethargic. The constant juicing is turning out to be pretty expensive, as my mom let me know. I already spent some of my christmas gift money on groceries and I don't have much left.

I think since i can still afford to shed a few pounds I will have to simply cut down on calories. Lemons are cheap, so I can revert to the master cleanse drink. I am expecting it will leave me feeling rather drained from lack of calories, but it might also expedite the cleansing reaction. In a few weeks spring should provide me with wild greens which will cut down on spending money on greens from the supermarket. The greens turn out to be the most expensive part anyways. Fruit is not as spendy, and carrots are dirt cheap, although as a result I am so very over the taste of carrot juice.

I'll see how far I can go with calorie reduction. I did feel cold all day and by afternoon I was hit by depression so bad I ended up lying on the couch staring into space. I haven't experienced depression so debilitating in a while. I hope it passes soon and the greens start growing soon.

Day 12 - Over

I woke up to my back feeling pretty normal, phew. I am thinking yesterday was the worst of it. I had some memories come up, was able to write them down and get them out, process them in conversations as well as in my dreams. I had this beautiful realization that it is OVER! I am in Germany and nothing can happen to me anymore. Never again will I experience his fist raised to my face, wondering if this is the day it is going to make impact with my body rather than a piece of furniture or the thick air between him and me. I am safe here. It is over.

I feel exhausted but relieved. My Candida has flared up over the last few days. I've been drinking broth here and there because I was going crazy at the thought of drinking something hearty tasting. I didn't think about there possibly being yeast in the broth. It's an all organic natural mix, but still, if there's yeast in it that might explain the Candida. I'll also reduce my oil intake, see if the 80-10-10 people are right in saying that Candida can only feed on fruit sugars if we ingest too much fat. I am really tired of dealing with Candida, it seems like such an endless struggle.

Day 11 - dark memories

I definitely think my back is healing slowly because of the emotional stress I am experiencing.

I was thinking about what Dan wrote again.

"you are deleted from my life permanently....
don't you ever contact me again. don't you ever threaten me again. i will only delete anything i see from you without reading it. as i said before, if you need somthing legle from me, you can contact [my lawyer]. you are no longer any kind of friend, acquaintance, or anything of the sort. you are just no longer.

feel free to twist this and post it on your blog, like the fucking child you are."

I can't say that I was really hurt by his words, but I was shocked. I can't even imagine how much hatred he harbors against me, how it is possible to live with so much hatred inside. I don't mind being "deleted" from his life or no longer being "any kind of friend", because he's been trying to delete me for over half a year now and he has treated me more like an enemy than a friend. If anything, it would be relief to not have to correspond at all anymore.

But on some subconscious level the image of Dan angry and full of hatred haunted me. I had trouble falling asleep and was wakened by a nightmare in which I relived a most threatening scene of Dan's anger. It was back in November when I had already understood that my marriage was in truth an abusive relationship and that I had assumed the role of abuse victim. It was shortly after I finished reading Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change?"

The most helpful advice was to understand that an abusive person is not being rational while he is bringing accusations and insults against his victim. The victim usually tries to convince the perpetrator that he's got his facts wrong, that she really didn't do what he said she did, that she didn't mean what he said she meant etc. But since the abuser is not in a rational state of mind engaging him rationally doesn't bring any improvement. He will divert to a new accusation or insult thus avoiding engaging rationally with the abused.

Psychologist Patricia Evans tells abuse victims to resist the temptation to engage the abuser rationally. Instead the victim should tell the abuser "stop" and try to get him to understand that she will not engage him on his level. Ideally the abuser will stop and ask himself what just happened which can lead to a fruitful and rational discussion. But in the worst case scenario the abuser will grow increasingly angry at his victim's refusal to play his game. In that case the victim needs to use caution since her abuser might turn more abusive and violent. He is not willing to face the situation honestly and look at his own actions. She will need to find ways to protect herself until she is able to escape.

That day in November I tested Patricia Evans' suggested response to abuse. My bicycle was broken and I asked Dan to help me fix it but he snapped at me saying I should have paid attention when my dad repaired bikes when I was a young. I would know how to handle the situation if I had learned as a child. He insisted since it was my failure to learn I had to deal with the situation alone now.

Disheartened by determined I turned to YouTube for help while Dan worked on building a kitchen shelf. Dan came into the house to grab a tool and I asked him his opinion. He grudgingly gave me advice and I set out to my task. I was doing pretty good until I hit a problem I realized Dan knew how to handle. I walked up to him working on the shelf and asked him for help. He was upset at being interrupted but dedicated a couple of minutes to help me out of my dilemma.

A long while later I was stuck having to identify the right tool. I had looked through Dan's toolbox but I was still unsure. I took the tools in question behind the house where Dan was still working on the shelf. I waited until he was done sawing something and then asked which was the tool I needed.

He threw what he was holding in his hand on the ground and starting yelling at me, how dare I interrupt him again, had he not told me I needed to deal with this myself, why could I not leave him alone, why did I have to ask stupid questions all the time, why did I insist on pushing him over the edge, on and on and on.

I went into the house to call a friend who I thought might be able to answer my question. Before I even reached the phone Dan stormed into the house and continued yelling at me, insulting me, cussing me out. I recognized so many of the phrases listed as typical for verbal abusers in the book I had just read, "why do I keep pushing and pushing?", "what the hell is your problem anyways?", "why can't you ever figure anything out on your own?", "why don't you know this or that?".

I straightened up, looked Dan in the face and said: "I am not going to listen to you yell at me anymore. I am going for a walk now."

"Oh no, you are NOT" he screamed.

"I don't need to listen to this, Dan," I said. "I have a right to leave the house right now."

"YOU..." he hissed with trembling voice and blocked the door.

"Dan, please let me through the door. I want to go outside now."

"NO," he seethed, "you are not going anywhere."

I tried to slip past him but he grabbed me hard by both wrists, slammed the door shut behind him and pushed me up against the wall. He held me pinned with the back to the wall, my wrists above my head, squeezed tight. Then he lowered his face so that his mouth was right in front of my eyes and yelled:

"I am going to teach you what you are putting me through. Are you feeling frustrated, yes, yes? Well, you NEED to feel frustrated because that is how you make me feel and I am going to teach you a lesson now."

He continued yelling in my face until I was able to speak into a break and told him to let me go. As impossible as I thought it was, he grew even angrier and said with a shaking voice,

"YOU deserve this. I really feel like smashing in your face right now"

He let go of one of my aching wrists, balled his hand into a fist and swung it towards my face. In a split second I considered my escape options. The window was close by and I wondered if I had the strength to kick the screen out and jump out in time. His fist came to a rest right before my eyes, he uttered another threat and raised his fist again.

Images flashed through my mind of me lying in the apartment beat up, being taken to a hospital. I started shaking with fear. I glanced over at the window again. I wasn't sure if I'd make it, and I was worried of what would happen if I did. Would he follow me? Would he let the cat out, or ever worse, would he do something to harm the cat? He was still uttering threats but lowered his fist, clenched my other wrist hard and gave me a push against the wall and said something along of the lines of how noble he was and how thankful I ought to be for him not beating me to a pulp. He ran from the house, took the car, and drove off who knows whereto.

As soon as he left the house I slumped together and knew for a fact that I was dealing with the kind of verbal abuser who could easily turn physically abusive, that blocking his attacks would serve no good. From then on I tried to play his game as best as I could in order to protect myself and my cat before I had the chance to actually move out. I was walking on egg shells all day long, every day.

Although I got away with no injuries but a couple of sore wrists I did not leave the incident psychologically unscathed. It took a while before I found the courage to tell someone about what happened. When I did and I brought this one dark memory out into the light it opened a door. I had finally allowed myself to acknowledge the relationship I was in for what it really was, a verbally abusive relationship. Over the next weeks my brain released numerous suppressed memories.

There was the time Dan punched a hole into our wall, the time he raised his wrist but diverted to throwing the couch across the apartment instead of hitting me, the many times he drove off in a rage, left me standing behind crying, and many a incident of him raising his hand in threat of beating me, always telling me I should be grateful that he didn't, convincing me that other men would not be able to control themselves as well as he did in the face of such a horrible person as me, that I was very lucky to be married to him.

I had never told anyone about the scenes that took place in our home behind closed doors. I refused to believe them myself. And now the memories came pouring out of the dark crevices of my mind, haunting me. When I came to Germany and I was no longer confronted by an angry Dan on a regular basis the memories started to recede. Until last night. The anger and hatred in Dan's words opened up the door to dark memories again.

Day 10 - do you see me?

Today has been a day of processing. Not food, of course, but thoughts.

Once I got over the shock of the last email I received I thought about what it said in depth. It was titled "deleted" and started out with the line:

"Just found out that you posted my pain and suffering on a blog... never before would i have ever thought you would sink so low."

I knew what was meant by the "pain and suffering" but I talked to a few friends and several were confused. They had been following my blog and couldn't recall me posting anything that was about Dan's pain. I told them he was referring to the fact that I posted the insults he had expressed towards me on my blog. "I know, but what is the "pain and suffering" you wrote about?" one friend asked again.

I shook my head and laughed, because it so clearly illustrated the confusion I had been living with. Since June last year the main thing Dan talked about was "his pain." It became a phrase of such familiarity that I almost felt like I was living with two people, with Dan, and with another person called "his pain." I have no doubt that he is experiencing a lot of pain, I have seen him suffer. But the question is one of definition, what is his pain and what is not?

The facts are: I need information, Dan did not give it me, my dad left a message for Dan saying (politely!) that we would have to hire a lawyer if Dan was not going to be more cooperative, Dan posted a litany of insults against me. Those insults are what he is now referring to as his "pain and suffering."

The irony is inescapable. First I suffer difficulties from his lack of cooperation as well as a few insults, next he writes hateful things meant to hurt me. Yet there is no mention of MY suffering as a results, rather the accusation that I have not guarded his pain and exposed it to the world.

The reason I was not surprised to hear him refer to his hateful utterances as his "pain and suffering" is that it is reflective of a pattern that I have only recently come to understand. When I got offended as the result of an argument and I expressed my hurt feelings Dan would usually say he was sorry my feeling were hurt. However, he often neglected to apologize for saying or doing hurtful things to me, would only say he felt sorry that I was hurt, without taking responsibility for him being the one who insulted or hurt me.

When I fished for an acknowledgment that he had been mean towards me he would sometimes see the wrong he had done and genuinely apology, but other times he would grow angry again. In those cases he would berate me for holding things against him, for trying to make him feel guilty. And then, without fail, he would start talking about his pain, how much it hurt him that I would "not let up" and keep "getting on his case" when all I wanted to hear was "I am sorry I called you #$#(), I didn't mean it" or something like that.

In earlier years I held to the idea "don't let the sun go down on your anger" but in more recent years I abandoned my commitment to resolving fights before we went to sleep because it would often take long before Dan would apologize and agree that things were resolved and thus we would end up getting less hours of sleep that night. I felt sacrificing an hour of two of sleep was well worth resolving our marital issues, but Dan would spend the next day moody and angry at me for "robbing him" of his sleep. I realized it was a loose-loose situation, if we went to sleep angry with each other we'd wake up angry, but if I tried to resolve things at night I would wake up relieved only to experience his anger anew the next day.

I The other situation we often found ourselves in was me apologizing for a toothpaste cap incident or whatever stood at the beginning of Dan's anger towards me but me being afraid to ask him to apologize for the things he had said or done in his rage against me. I would end up living with the feeling that the issue was never really resolved, since only I had tried to make amends. But I had come to fear his anger, I started walking on eggshells.

At one point I mentioned to Dan that he was intimidating when he was angry and he said he had noticed I was afraid of him. I felt a lurch of hope at him mentioning my fear, hoping we'd be able to talk about what was causing my fear and how we could better work through our issues. Instead he said: "do you have any idea how that makes me feel? My wife being afraid of me? You can't even imagine how much you are hurting me by that!" He continued to talk about how offended he was at my being afraid of his anger. I felt guilty, and I felt even more scared, knowing how hurt he was now, I feared him growing angry over my fear of his anger.

It was only recently that I came to understand the hopeless cycle of guilt, fear, hurt, and anger I found myself in. When I tried to express my feeling, say that I was hurt, Dan would not try to understand where I was coming from in an effort to make changes that would relieve my negative feelings. Instead he would take offense at me not being content, feeling accused of being a failure as a husband who is supposed to make his wife happy. He'd feel hurt at the supposed accusation. Then he'd feel that since this conversation was causing him grief, I must be attacking him. Then he'd grow defensive and in a heartbeat aggressive. My attempts to discuss my feelings and hopes with him would end up with him in a rage and me in fear.

I believe this is what happened a couple of days again. Dan grew angry probably at me "bugging" him, needing things from him, not "leaving him alone". He became aggressive and hateful. Rather than ducking and apologizing the way I used to, I handed things over to my dad who gave Dan a clear ultimatum. Dan felt threatened by my dad, hurt at being attacked, and resorted to anger and hatred towards me. He, however, does not see his words as expressions of anger and hatred. He does not look at the other end of his speech, does not see that he was causing "pain and suffering" by his words, only looked at himself and saw his own dark emotions.

In other words, he only sees himself, he doesn't see me.

Day 9 - guilt free

My back got worse again in the middle of the night and I woke up in pain. By morning it was as bad as it had been when it first went out. I suspect the reason was emotional stress.

It wasn't so much that I was hurt by the insults hurled at me, but I was shocked at how much hatred Dan holds against me. I didn't think he was capable of so much hatred, especially hatred towards someone he promised eternal love to. Even in the midst of our separation and divorce I refrained from insulting him and from hurting him, expressing my anger elsewhere. And I defended him against those who got on Dan's case for breaking his promises towards me.

And yet Dan continued his tirades against me, bestowed me with further insults, accused me of trying to harm him. At first I realized that I automatically felt guilty, just like I had for years, always believing that I did something wrong, again, and hurt poor Dan, that I was the one to blame, I had done something terrible. My mind had been trained well to immediately assume responsibility and guilt for every problem.

I remember a few years back when Dan lost his temper over something much like the proverbial toothpaste cap, and hurled insults at me, then ran from the house, took the car, and didn't come back for a couple of hours. While he was gone I mulled over the insults he had directed at me and the things he had said to hurt me. When he came back I apologized for my "toothpaste cap" offense and meekly hoped for an apology for the mean things he had said to me. Instead he told me he'd accept my apology, but he couldn't understand why I always had to do things that "drive me over the edge".

I tried to explain, to apologize again, begged him to believe me that I didn't mean to, I honestly didn't realize he wanted it done differently, etc. He said he'd forgive me and went on to do something else. I gathered up courage and asked him if he was sorry for the mean things he had said to me. "Of course, don't you know I didn't mean them?" I told him I would appreciate it if he actually apologized. He did, but with anger in his voice.

And thus the argument was resolved and peace had returned to our home. Or had it? He had made a big deal out of me "always" doing various petty things that made him angry, "never" learning better, not caring about him enough to understand how much they bothered him. I let the past few years of marriage pass before my eyes and thought about our apologies and the way we made it up to one another after a fight. As I allowed myself to think about it honestly, I was shocked to realize that in some 90% or more of all of our fights I was the one who made amends and apologized.

At one point I tried to bring this up, not when we were fighting, but when things were peaceful between us. He told me I was wrong, he apologized more often than I did, but I did far more things to hurt him than he ever did to hurt me. I felt miserable. I doubted my own sanity. I felt crushed, defeated, like a bad person, a failure as a wife. But a part of me revolted against the judgement and I started keeping track of every argument over the next few months and how it was resolved and my initial estimate of 90% of all apologies coming from me did indeed prove wrong. Almost ALL of the fights were resolved by me apologizing first.

I started to realize that there was something seriously wrong in our relationship. All attempts to talk to Dan about it ended with him communicating to me in one way or another that there was indeed a problem, and the problem was ME. I lived in guilt and self-condemnation, but eventually my oppressed spirit rebelled. I started writing. I wrote arguments down, I kept track of situations, I kept track of the past, and I gained more confidence in my own judgement as I looked back at the notes when Dan told me it wasn't the way I remembered, and I read black on white that my memory had been faithful to me afterall.

Now I know that my memory works just fine but that i have allowed it to be overwritten by Dan's re-interpretation of what really happened. And I know that I am not a bad person, that I am not any of the mean things i have been called over the past years. And most of all, I recognize and affirm that I am not responsible of his pain, his anger, his hatred. Of course I have done things to hurt him, as has every human being in a relationship to another human being. But I can say with integrity and joy that I have never, despite my painful experiences, done or said anything to purposely hurt him.

And thus I am choosing today to cleanse my mind from guilt that is not mine to bear. I know I have the power to say "no" when someone is trying to dump guilt on me. I now that the mistakes I have made have already been forgiven and I walk and live in that forgiveness. And I know that I must never again accept guilt for the things I am not guilty of. What precious freedom lies in that, what delivering truth.

Day 8 - freedom from insult and abuse

Starting to feel a bit better, was able to juice without a lot of pain. My aunt came over to admire the new paint job on the house, bright green.

By afternoon I started working on getting all of my documents together for the unemployment office. I needed a statement from Dan concerning the divorce, what all had been taken care of, what documents and proceeding we were still waiting on. He told me he knew nothing and hadn't talked to the lawyer. I'd been trying to get a hold of the lawyer for quite some time, left messages, asked her to call me back, but with no success. I used to have her cell number but when I left for Germany and left my cell phone with Dan, I lost contacts and had to look up the lawyer's office number online. So I asked Dan to give me her cell number again since I needed to know the answer to one simple question before my hearing tomorrow.

Dan refused. "i don't want to risk the friendship i have with her by having you phone terrorising her. so no, no cell #. you will just have to deal with me" he wrote as well as a few other offensive things. I asked him to be civil and stay factual as we had agreed. He said he wouldn't give me the number and signed off.

My mom came in at that precise moment and read some of the offensive stuff Dan had written. She was outraged and told my dad. My dad called Dan and left a polite but firm message saying that we needed Dan's cooperation and if he wouldn't help us understand how the divorce was proceeding we would end up having to hiring a lawyer which would make things difficult for him.

Never in my life have I been insulted as I did in Dan's reply:

what the fuck is your problem?
17:39

your dad just left a thretening message on my phone
17:39

i told you i would get you the stuff you need
17:40

i told you that i wouldn't give you the personal number of a friend, you have the office number and if she doesn't get back to you that is between you and her
17:41

i don't want to hear from your fucking dad ever again!
17:41

this is between you and me and i am doing my fucking best here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17:42

beleave me there is nothing i want more than to end this whole fucking mess and be ride of you for good!!!!!!
17:42

i have one day off a week, and i'm trying my best and if that is not good enough for you or you r fucking daddy, than that is just something you will have to deal with.
17:43

i have already told you i am going to get you everything, so just stop your fucking whining and tell your precious daddy to lay the fuck off!
17:45

SO FUCK YOU, I'M DOING MY BEST, AN IF YOU HAVE ANY SINCE OF COMPATION YOU WOULD SEE THAT. BUT NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING YOUR WAY, AS ALWAYS! BELEIVE ME, I AM TRYING JUST SO I CAN BE DONE WITH YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17:46

why don't you try and tell daddy the whole truth
17:50

i sware annika, if he gets a layer i will spend every last penny i have to fight him. an if i still loose i would rather go to jail! so if you want to ruen my life more than you already have, try telling him that i already told you i would be getting you everything you need. i havnt heard from susan eather. i emaled her this morning, and i don't see her on sundays anymore. try telling daddy that it's the personal cell number of a friend that i wont give you. there is nothing ilegal about that.
17:52

this is why i divorced you, every reason you are giving me right now. i can't fucking believe daddy thretend me, he actually thretend me. me who has already agreed to give you everything you need within my power. try and tell him that! try and tell him the WHOLE truth. youfucking bitch!



Never before have I had such vulgarity hurled at me. I don't even know what the "WHOLE truth" is supposed to be. Dan believes that I was abusive towards him by wanting to talk about differences in opinions. It wasn't fighting he complained about, it was me asking him why he held to a certain opinion if mine differed from his, wanting to find out if one of us knew something the other didn't. He always felt threatened, like he would loose himself if we disagreed, wanted his wife to be perfectly harmonious and as much like him as possible. "If only I could, I would marry myself" he'd always say, and "I think more people should be like me".

I think it was my not being enough like him that made him feel to threatened, so hurt, so attacked. He couldn't stand being in a relationship with someone who was independent and different than him, a relationship in which each partner challenged the other. He experienced my being different and not trying to sweep our differences under a rug "abusive" behavior. If that is indeed the "WHOLE truth" I need to be telling, I have already done so.

I believe it is fitting that this episode took place during my juice feast. It is another step towards openness, towards the truth. As I am cleansing my body, I am also cleansing my mind and my heart. He has never expressed his low opinion of me so clearly as he did today, although he had communicated it frequently enough. Now it is my turn to take this as an opportunity towards growth and freedom. I am no longer subject to insults on a regular basis, I am no longer dependent on a partner who holds such a low view of myself.

I am cleansing myself from toxins in my body but also from toxins in my mind that have been planted by the many insults I have listened to throughout the years. They were almost always behind closed doors, they were sly and cunningly disguised and I didn't even always understand why they made me feel to worthless, so ugly, so dirty. Now I do, and I am choosing freedom from them.

Day 7 - lying around the house

Oh the painful back. Can't sit, can't walk, can't lie comfortably, just want this to be over with. Juicing turned out to be a 5 hour chore with all the breaks I had to take in between. Felt depressed and bored and cabin fevery on top of it all. So ready for this day to be over...

Day 6 - back out

The day started so nicely and then i lifted Arwen up, like a always do, giving her a big fuzzy hug, and snap! I felt pain shoot through my back and then my back was out.

This is only the second time my back went out since I started on raw foods. Before then it used to go out every other month or so. Last time it went out I was under serious emotional stress, having to play a gig I really dreaded. I wonder, could this be related to the juice fasting?

I had a hard time making myself juices today, obviously, so I drank very little and spent almost the entire day in bed reading. Maybe my body needs rest. I would have preferred for my body to communicate that in a less painful and debilitating way, but here I am, on my bed, resting.

Day 5 - depression

Day 5 was marked by a general feeling of depression. I spent a lot of time juicing in the morning while my dad commented on how long juicing takes, how expensive it is, how unfeasible it is for normal working people, and how very skeptical he is as to any potential benefits. In Angela Stokes' Juice Feaster's Handbook she highly recommends surrounding yourself with people who are supportive of your juice feasting and avoiding those who are skeptical or critical. I see the importance of it, as expression of doubts, raised eyebrows, and disapproving comments are such a drain on your energy, the last thing you need while putting your body through a cleansing ordeal.

I was already on the verge of depression when I got up and ended up feeling rather sorry for myself for being so isolated in my quest. I procrastinated the afternoon away by watching interviews with well-known raw foodists, looking at raw food events, footage from the Raw Spirit Festival in Sedona, etc.

Later that day I went to a band rehearsal for an Irish group. Considering that only a month ago I swore up and down I would never again play Irish music I thought this was quite a step forward. When I got there one of the members was just finishing his McDonald's lunch. I felt odd setting my 3 bottles of fruit and green juices on the table, steeling myself for another round of disbelieving criticism and those oh so familiar this-girl-must-be-clinically-insane looks. Thankfully we went right into practice and even during the break the conversation stayed around the subject of music.

I felt like such a globe trotter, having been to the places in Ireland mentioned in the songs, knowing just about every song we practiced and having played with almost every band mentioned that evening. All eyes were on me, as so often, as I answered one question after another, just like back on tour. I felt once again that I could not live a "normal" life ever again, that living in a small town in Germany would always feel weird and foreign to me.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed playing music again. Of course I didn't have any instruments, I left all of them with Dan in Florida. But that can be remedied. I gave my "yes" to the band and am pretty excited to be part of an Irish band again, after only such a brief break.